this is what i've been spending the past 2 weeks obsessing over. grins. ain't he absolutely lovely (: i can so see angelina tan wen li, or WLATAN (she pronounces it wala-tan, smirks) rolling her eyes at this. well, roll all u want darling, i'm gonna keep going on about him anyway. meehehehe.

happy birthday my darling mingkie poo!

anyway, i'm heading off to nz on sunday. so doubt i'll be blogging anytime there -.- unless sheep carry computers with internet around. but i'm going horseback riding along the lotr trail :D that's one very very good thing. and i can finally get my tsubi/ksubi jeans & uggs. and i do rather like sheep. so good time for me to think, absorb and relax i suppose.

went for e alldressedup fashion show. ann watanabe is 0_o shit, i'd kill for her body. and there was this gorgeous gorgeoousss red dress that i have my eye on. heh.

deep down i'm still waiting for an ending. or maybe a continuation. after all this time. anyway i was never particularly good at letting go. i'm especially good at holding grudges.

: zhuan shu tian shi :: tank :

closure

what's meant to be, will be.

haha. everything feels more or less settled now (: i know where i want to go, what i want to do. the path is just stretching out ahead of me now. and it feels good, cos its a path of certain familiarities, but with the majority being the unknown.

i feel kinda bad for wasting so much money on us uni apps -.- when i did everything so half-heartedly. the only time i put in the effort was for cambridge and ucas. but i've kinda accepted not getting cambridge now. i have this feeling i wouldn't have been particularly happy in cambridge anyway, with the point in life that i am at now. and i would be living in a memory, trying to get back what i felt before. but i will go there one day. its just a matter of time. haha. it feels good to talk about all these so easily and lightly (:

when a door closes, a window opens

i hope everyone can see it that way too (:

dinner with mel tonight was lovely. haha, i missed my darling mel mei. i think she has lost quite a bit of her innocence over e past 2 yrs thanks to the conversations suefaye and i had. hahaha, but its like now we can talk about everything and anything. and i love it!

london, here i come!

: moon over bourbon street :: sting :

what viola told me yesterday sent my whole world into a spin. it was rather similar to the feeling i got 2 years ago. the feeling of disbelief, unable to accept and process the information. it never occured to me how my concert, one that i dreamt up in e midst of studying for As, could affect someone i know. puts alot of things in perspective. if we could help one, it feels like our hardwork and effort's all worth it.

we all hope and pray you get well soon.

: i'm coming home :: john legend :

i miss the simple things. it doesn't really matter anymore who it was with. but the simple things. that made me feel warm inside. made me feel protected. arms to hold me tight. a shoulder to lean on. a hand to hold. but then i wonder if there is only one person who can make me feel this way. is he in the past, present or future?

despite angie's constant harping about how i'm emo/suicidal. i still am an optimist in certain areas. i'm a big believer of true love, soul mates and all that. some might say its unrealistic. i say it puts a touch of magic into my life. hahaha.

my item is giving me a hell of a headache.

but the best thing that happened this week, is that angie baby and i are going to uk :D

: she is :: the fray :

today has been a day of reminiscing. thinking about rg days, to rj days, to my childhood. its sad to be at this point, where you can refer to your childhood.

went to katong convent today to perform. they had a fashion show competition after our performance, just like the one we had on national day. hearing the girls screaming for their class. i realised how much i missed the class bonding, the class together-ness. i miss 202, 408. i felt everything fit then. haha, how we'd always be so enthu about supporting our class. that never did happen in rj. or at least for me.

then when i was sorting through my itunes list. i found the sun dance, rain dance and our 05 orientation dance music. brought back memories of orientation, both j1 and j2. dancing on stage with the ogls. eating prada with kazule. licia, serene, nina and hamster. its funny that the only one i still keep in touch with is hamster aka kory aka twin. wibowo! hahaha. then estrella. justin and brian. and nicole. grins. i think only when we were doing those dances, did i really feel happy i was in rj. weird huh.

i saw a picture from when i was 7 today. with my grandma. she looked so young then. all black hair. actually when i said there's nothing to hold me back from going overseas. it wasn't entirely the truth. there's this nigging thought at the back of my mind, what if i came back and she's not here anymore. family's not family without my grandma. she's probably the one who had the time, and could give me the comfort and warmth i craved when i was young. all i had to do was crawl into her lap. and fall alseep there, and everything bad would go away. she was my everything when i was a child. i remember when i was like 5 or 6, i wanted to get rid of my training wheels on my bike. and no one was free to teach me how to ride properly, so she taught me. and we used to go cycling together by the kallang river, one big bicycle and one small one. and there was one time she was so busy looking out for me behind, that she fell into a drain. back then till now, she supported me everything i did. she watched almost every single dance performance i've put up. she has quietly supported me. when i didn't do well, she never scolded me, just a big hug. and when i did well, she'd always reward me. she made up for everything they didn't give me. and i'm so scared my biggest fear will come true. which is why i still can't make up my mind about my unis.

the flowers are sitting by my computer (: and they're lovely.

i was just thinking about it. if it wasn't for ming and mel, rj outside of dance would have been unbearable. i think i'd have fainted on results day if it weren't for e 2 of them too.

i spent what i earned today for my performance all on cds -.-

: fields of gold :: sting :

its been storming the whole night. i just love these kinds of nights. where i get to sit in the darkness, and watch the rain. i've never particularly been a sunshine girl. i'm the girl who cheers when she sees the rain coming down. but its also on these type of nights where i realise how alone i feel. shrugs. and it especially hurts when i think about me putting my well-being in your hands, and you totally forget about the appointment. how hard is it really to make a phone call. i asked you to do it, cos i know that i'll never have the guts to do it. i'm afraid, of going alone, of finding out what it all really means. stupid maybe.

i've been really thinking hard about uni lately. considering if i should even apply for nus law. and i know that i won't have the luxuries i have now at home overseas, but honestly, there's nothing much holding me back anymore. i have faith that the friends that are of importance to me, will still be my friends, wherever i go. and with no commitments, i really feel like i'm ready to start life afresh. i can't wait actually (: and if angie could go to the same continent with me. it'd really be a dream come true. grins.

my asian dance performance is tmr -.- i just found out today. brilliant eh.

it stung that you didn't stand up for me. or say anything in my defense. i understand that's the way you do things. but i couldn't help it. shrugs.

and you know what, i am happy with who i am at this point in time. i'm definitely not happy with how you treat ppl or treat me. just because you act like you're always right, being so damn assertive, doesn't make the things you do right. i'll never forget.

i have a feeling only ming and angie will get the last two. but wth, it was never meant for anyone to understand, its just for me to rant -.-

: listen :: beyonce :

god. just updating my blog takes a million yrs. i'm getting extremely pissy about this.

anyway, i was rather happy about last night (: despite some ppl's lack of punctuality. i hope everyone had a good time. heh. but i must say that bert, sam and justin rank up there with the good manners, gentleman thing. grins. mel and ziying were really helpful too (: didn't get to take any pictures though :p but then this stupid slow internet doesn't exactly allow me to upload any either. argh.

i seem to be cultivating my maternal instincts lately. hahaha. from my baby cousin, to cooking. grins. but i really like to cook. when you see someone take a bite of your food, and smile, or say yum or (y), there's nothing quite like it really. all i wanted from the night was to have everyone happy, and some comments. well, the happy part was there, the comments were rather non-existent though. -.-

had another driving lesson today. whoopee. driving is damn fun. hahaha. but i'm NEVER takin a sunday lesson ever again -.- all the manual private drivers (char's gonna kill me). either drive like a maniac, zig zagging around, or driving so freaking slowly. and stalling at every traffic light. GOODNESS. i got stuck at dunno how many junctions because of stalled manual cars. YAY FOR AUTO! hahaha.

my grandmummy wanted to watch the cyborg movie. which was actually rather amusing. abit insane la, but at least it was different. haha, music and lyrics was lovely though (: not something i'd remember for life. but just left you feeling rather warm and fuzzy. hehe. hugh grant's songs are hilarious! i want to get the soundtrack.

i think i'm ready to step away now. close the last of the doors, and get ready for something different.

i remember in j1, i chose pcme, cos ming, cass and rachel chose pcme. i hated physics -.- but finally went to bcme. i was always afraid of losing these friendships, and didn't dare to take routes that could cause me to drift from them. but i think now, i gotta have some confidence in myself, my friends and our friendship (: and go wherever i need to go, for myself. and have the faith that the friendships will always be there, no matter how different everything will become. i think i've finally was able to convince that the group of friends i have now, is probably gonna stick by me (: and me by them

: the pieces don't fit anymore :: james morisson :

love you my mingkie-poo

arghs. my internet is driving me absolutely fucking insane. its so bloody slow. this is madness.

i've been spending alot of time with my angie baby lately (: which usually puts me in a perkier than normal mood. HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY DARLING! i hope you're in ______ doing ______ at this time next yr! went out with her on her bday. and i resent the high-maintenance thing ok. you're as high maintenance as me and possibly even more. let me quote 'only one man has touched my hair in 7 yrs', if your wish comes true, i see what you're gonna do. anyway there was the earthquake before that. my house was shaking as usual. it was quite bad this time. my maid and i both had to hold the lights in my dining room. my whole computer chair shifted backwards! but anyway, we had a great time together (: i loved the natalie portman short movie in paris je'taime. hehee. i want to go to paris. one day. with the special someone. i think paris is only really romantic and wonderful if you go with someone you love. hahaha.

when i think back to 2 yrs ago. there was honestly nothing much anyone could do to make everything all better. and when i try to cheer my friends up, there's this thought in my head, that if it was me, nothing much would help. so all i can do now is to show you i care, and i'm here. and hope that everything gets better for you (:

i wish my parents would show me some support in the things i do. things outside of my studies that is. its like when i wanted to plan sentio, all i met was with, are you sure you can do it. you can set up such a big concert?! nothing of, oh i can help you with this, or go for it dear. with dancing it was always that way. with gym too. now with cooking. i mean my whole life, my grandma and mum made cooking a very impt thing, teaching me to cook and bake since i was 3. and yet now when i want to do it, she's full of 'what's the point in you doing this?!', 'why you wasting so much money', 'are you sure you can do it? i think you're being too ambitious'. damn you. i've been told since i was young, nothing in this world is impossible. there's nothing that i can't do once i put my bloody mind to it. and here you go, not only not encouraging me and supporting me. you're doubting me. i'm really tired of this. this is part of the reason why i want so desperately to escape overseas. i don't want anyone to put a limit on what i'm capable of, what i can do. i don't want anyone to tell me not to do things anymore. i want to do everything and anything. and finally live for myself, be happy. study what i want, not what i'm supposed to, or told to. i had to fight against them my whole life, to do gym (they thought i should do a more team sport, like netball), to dance (they thought i wasn't spending enough time studying), to do bio (my dad loves physics) and so much more. and seriously, the rebelling thing is getting old, very fast. and its really tiring.

and i'm tired.

i just want a route of less resistance, or maybe less direct obstacles from my parents. something different. something new (:

i hope tmr night goes well -crosses fingers-

roars. my internet has been now reduced to 44kps -.- KILL ME. its f-ing slow. damnit. my cable thingy died. so yes, i'm on pathetically 1995 type of internet now. grumbles. so excuse my lack of blogging and replying of emails.

anyway. results was bittersweet. the scene was rather 0_o though. will post more later.

i love screw!

i love angie!

i love mel!

congrats to all who did well. and muacks and hugs to the rest.

gotta run for my driving lessons. damnit its going to rain 0_o i don't want to drive in e rain. wails. how to turn!